Saying "goodbye" too soon......
Every single day, I am looking forward to meeting you halfway. Whatever means we have to make what we have work out....chatting, texting, calls....everything is a give and take routine. I don't mind even if i still don't know my place in your life. I'm sure i've given you a hint or two about making the big gesture just so i'll know my place. Am i your friend? Your ka-MU perhaps? or just the girl you have strong feelings for but is not yet ready to have a commitment with?
Sometimes i wonder if you're thinking of my sensibilities or yours. Sometimes i think that you did believe me when i said that if you take away the pain, the anger, and all the disappointments you'll find that you still love her after all the hurt she's put you through. I feel that not just because that is how i am trained to look at things, at human behavior and processes... i know that because that is exactly what i'll tell myself if i were in your position. I know i have a special place in your heart...you always say that you're keeping an open mind and heart about "US".
When i asked if you think that what we have right now will eventually lead to something serious...you said you certainly hope so..but how long will i wait? should i wait?..you said a year perhaps....i said ten years...you said that's too long...i said a year is longer... Let me tell you why i said so.. I believe that ten years seems sooner than a year because technically it's too long that you won't count every grueling days of the whole time. You won't wake up every morning wishing that the year is over...you won't waste your time waiting for every holiday to come because you know that when the valentines day, all saints day and christmas are over it will be another year. Ten years is much more acceptable for me because eventually i'll find a way to divert my attention to more productive things..within a month or two of that ten years, i would have accomplished more than what i can in a year's waiting period... then i'll wake up one day and realize that hey! it's the tenth year! This is the day!
You've been very consistent.. very consistent indeed.... But tonight... i was hurt. I told you my plans of leaving. Honestly, i dont know how i'll tell you. Especially when you're taking your sweet time in our semi-pseudo relationship. You told me to just be myself..so i spat it out...i said i might go somewhere to study. I'm sure i'll touch a sensitive spot because im going somewhere that is the core reason of your breakup...the place where the person you loved, probably still love, is. And i have the audacity to tell you this when i know it'll affect you.. i know it's not me.. im thinking that you might see this as adding insult to your injury but i dont mean that. I just want you to know. I dont want to hide it from you. I was hurt because, honestly, i am hoping you'll say something like....i'll wait...we'll make it work...nothing will change between us..we'll be stronger. None of that came out. You just said go for it, you may find better opportunities there, in life you have to make decisions that entails certain sacrifices.
I'm hurt because i don't really know what you think of my going away...you don't even hinted if this thing that we have will continue..if you have plans of making it work or what..just forget about about me. I sensed in your one-liners that you're affected, not because im going but because it makes you think of her...call me paranoid but i have a great intuition. Then you just said, i need to try to get some rest....not very like you. Im hurt! i dont see my value..... Will this coldness be the deciding factor in this fairytale story? i'll give you a day or two to tell me that you'll pray for me...for my success..but you can't wait or you think that it will no longer work or that my decision is somewhat similar to HER decision and I'm just like her. I know you're too sensible to say these things . no matter how hard you try to hide it, i'll feel it....surely i will, and i know i'll hurt...
i just want to make you happy. I know i can, how can i assure you that being there won't change a thing.we'll still be far from each other. you can think that im still here. Maybe for the first month i wont have any access to a phone or a computer, but i'll find a way. we'll find a way. I believe in you but now, im not so confident that you're willing to take another risk. Does this mean i'll be saying goodbye again? sooner than i'd ever imagine? sooner even if i don't want to? You said, you'll stay unless i tell you to go away....Does this still stand? I want to tell you all these things, i was hoping tonight, but you left earlier than i predicted. you didnt want to hear anymore, as my explanation to your sudden need to get a rest,... Im just saying it here because i know i wont dare try to mention it to you again. I've been open to you ever since...this time, im making you open up first.
If you really want to make this work..we'll work on it together, but if you'll make me feel that there's something wrong between us na...i wont hesitate to tell you to stay away. I do not want to pressure you to go into another relationship after your recent breakup.... but don't make me wait if you're not willing to do the same. Wherever i am, it will not change what i want, i know what i want.... i hope you do too.. you regretted letting me go once..i wonder if you'll volunteer to let go this time......please don't keep me in suspense long. right now, im very much open to what you might say.
