No Need For Panacea

“Behind the mask is just a shattered little girl who's lost faith in herself…and in everything else around her.”

When you’ve finished a roll of tissue plus a pack of Kleenex, breathes through your mouth since your nose is all clogged up and curse out loud because your eyes are starting to sting, you just can’t help but plead with the perpetrator:

Me: Tears, please stop!

Tears: I don’t know how… 

My random thoughts:

1)      It sucks not to be able to write what you really want because people know you too damn differently from who you are…and it’s bothersome to deal with infertile curiosity.

2)      It’s amazing how quickly dreams can die

3)      When I’m not working, I sleep a lot… not because of laziness but because, it’s the only time I don’t feel

4)      I do not know how to express that being with someone so dangerous was the last time that I felt safe

5)      If I cared to make a phone call right now (2:30AM)… it would be to say “I’m so sorry for everything”

6)      It takes a special person to realize that everything about that "beautiful" smile is just a cover-up for all the hurt and lies.

7)      Why do you have to be so far and unfeeling when I need you here with me?

8)      I’m tired… I miss my girls and boys so much à you know who you are

Just Breathe...

Life is short.. I know that....

I just want to live it fully. But with so many expectations lashing from all directions... How can I? I shouldn't be crying coz  I have a learning session later and tons of drop deadlines on my heels, but what can I do? I had to succumb...

This is how it began: I think I am where I want to be....Right?...Am I?... Is this really where I want to be?... I don't know anymore

The trip to my dad's hometown didn't help; You meet your relatives telling you it's time to marry...have kids because when you reach the age of 30 it will be hard to bear kids. Then you dread eating with your family because you know that sooner or later the conversation will turn to a not so subtle demand for you to marry a seaman. I'm getting so close to screaming..."Damn it! Come on! Bring it on... you want me to marry??! Fine! Let's do what you want, forget that this happens to be my life and I also want to live it" -- How to say that the very reason I choose to be solitary is you?

Am I being a brat? Am I being a blacksheep? why does it feel like I'm living in a society so different from that of my family's? Is this why I feel so alone and misunderstood?

All that I am. All that I want to be..is insignificant. How come it feels like a futile struggle to prove that I can be a self-made woman? I know I can do it.. When? I dont know..but I can do it. The people around me believe that I can do it, but the people who matters do not. Damn! Everything is useless. I can work my ass off but at the end of the day, it will all boil down to how much penny you have, whether you worked for it or your husband did. 

Add to that.. I'm slowly seeing the monsters in my current job, same old monsters in a new setting. It's not helping either. Why is the world so fucked up with people trying to downplay other people? Well, I get it..that's part of life... but i don't want it to be a part of mine.

My head feels like it's gonna blow up from confusion. The need to escape this emotional paralysis is choking. I want to run away. Where? Anywhere.. Can I? It's a sure demise but I need to try. Now, the only way to keep me from destroying myself is a power shutdown; emotionally, mentally, and socially. How will I get through my daily tasks... only God knows.

This is my life. A never ending twists and turns of struggle and complications.

Give Me a Break!

Here’s a list of things I enjoy doing when I’m not juggling Ten Million responsibilities

I enjoy blogging
I do belly dancing (something I haven’t done for months now :c)
I read romance novels ( I do enjoy contemporary renaissance and the time of Texas rangers :p)
I do shopping (lately, I’ve been doing some online shopping)
I cook
I babysit my little nephew
I think of ways to show my friends how much they mean to me
I send lots of emails to my friends
I nag my sister or mom or dad to go out with me; eat out, grab a coffee and just hang out
Drown myself in movies and be a bum!
Eat
Play with the dogs
Walk in our garden
Have a nice chitchat with my sister or parents J

Blankong Papel (Blank Paper)

Sa matagal na panahong hindi ko paghawak ng ballpen at hanna deka,

nalimutan ko na din ata ang majika ng pagsulat.
Nakalulungkot matunghayan ang aking sarili na sa tuwing mahaharap sa kapirasong papel ay BLANGKO!
Gumagana pa din naman ang aking isip.

Ngunit may nawawala.

Naglaho na nga ba ang kakayahan kong ilipat, buhayin at pagyamanin sa papel ang ideya, opinion at mga damdaming naglalaro sa aking isipan? Bakit hindi ko na magawang gamitin ang kagandahan ng mga parirala upang ipinta ang aking saloobin?
Marami pa akong nais sabihin…ngunit bakit hindi ko na magawa?

Out With The Old...

New year
New home
New life
New career
New friends
Old friends…New relationships
New inspiration
New challenges
New adventures
New roles
New beginning
Old school…new measures
These are just some of the things I’m looking forward to this 2008 :P

The Life Inside My Shell

Life inside my shell has always been melodramatic..
A sheltered princess who grew up to be a warrior..
The youngest that fought for the eldest
Spoiled but never a brat
Voice of the oppressed
Strength of the weak
Enemy of the unjust
The misunderstood girl.
The one who aspires gender equality
Woman leader of tomorrow..
Small words, balanced action
Advocate of freedom of speech
Dreamer…
Believer…
Loved but unloved..
The one who bleeds inside.
Gone are the days of ribbons and ruffles
Of ponies and rainbows
Purveyor of courage and conviction
Simplicity is an inspiration
I live not only for myself,
But for those who believe…in love..
In the complexities of life..
And in the power of breaking out of one's shell.

Silver Lining

A moment too long
Stuck in the deepest, darkest corner of being
Alone…
Lifeless..
Numb..
Then came you
Bitter endings and lies fade away
No more hiding..
No more fears..
Only you..
And the promise of a new beginning.

On Relationships

Random Thoughts…

There used to be only black and white..

now, there’s pink, green and yellow.

There used to be only me, myself, and I…

now there’s you, me, us, and them.
Too much color.. too much us.. too little time.
Too much sugar..Too much honey..

Leave a bitter taste in my mouth..
People say stop!.. want to..but cannot....for to stop caring means turning red to gray.

Dull..Dead..
Why does it have to be like this?

Is it because I love them more than they love me?

Maybe..Maybe not..

“The majority of today’s relationship problems are one-way problems – one person loving, caring, or giving more in the relationships than the other person.” – Alfred Ells

Foolish

Put on a happy face and no one would see how much you’re hurting. Go ahead; flash that winsome smile and no one would dare question the blandness in your eyes. Pretend that everything’s ok, that all things are brilliant. Make it seem that everything’s perfect, going well according to plan. I know it won’t make you feel better. It won’t make the pain disappear, least of all, it won’t make you heal. But, it definitely has its ups. By putting on a happy face, you need not face probing questions. You need not explain why you’re feeling such. Most of all, you need not hurt anyone, especially not those you’ve come to love.