Give Me a Break!

Here’s a list of things I enjoy doing when I’m not juggling Ten Million responsibilities

I enjoy blogging
I do belly dancing (something I haven’t done for months now :c)
I read romance novels ( I do enjoy contemporary renaissance and the time of Texas rangers :p)
I do shopping (lately, I’ve been doing some online shopping)
I cook
I babysit my little nephew
I think of ways to show my friends how much they mean to me
I send lots of emails to my friends
I nag my sister or mom or dad to go out with me; eat out, grab a coffee and just hang out
Drown myself in movies and be a bum!
Eat
Play with the dogs
Walk in our garden
Have a nice chitchat with my sister or parents J

Angels with Dirty Faces

Everyday, I go home from work and encounter angels with dirty faces; running around dingy streets carrying plastic bags of whatever. Grubby cheeks pressed on car windows asking for alms, selling rags, sampaguitas and basically anything to make a buck or two.

They’re everywhere. Innocent little ones brought into a world of poverty and deprivation. At an early age, they’re subjected to reality, something that privileged kids are not familiar with until they at least reach their puberty. My heart goes out to these angels who have no choice but to adapt to a life wherein everything is scarce; food; money; medicine, education. I feel helpless. I can’t really do anything about it. I, myself, have been subjected to a government that says it’s doing everything in its power to uplift poverty in the country. Too many words, too little action

If only I have millions or billions of pesos in my name. I would build an empire. An empire of Filipino workers where everyone is given equal opportunities to learn, own a land, have enough to send their children to school, and be a better Filipino.. proud of what they do, proud of who they are, and proud enough to help their kind. It would be an empire that will strengthen one’s patriotism to the flag and the country it represents. Imagine a Filipino; educated, acculturated, a patriot. In my empire, I hope to lessen the nation’s crab mentality and love for everything foreign. Mind you, lessen not eradicate. I will be a hypocrite if I say that I don’t love foreign products. The reason why I aspire to improve Filipino’s love for their own is the knowledge that we have values and virtues that are uniquely ours. Those qualities can be used to standout in the world, create things that are uniquely Filipino, share it with the world, and be respected and recognized. For far too long, we have been called domestic helpers and prostitutes. It’s a very sad thing right. If I have an empire, I will get people who have the same dreams as I for the Filipino people. Dreams that when accomplished will surely diminish the presence of angels with dirty faces.

It is relatively easy to seek change so as to have a better life, isn’t it? I, too have dreamt (still do) of leaving The Philippines and make a life elsewhere. Behind these dreams is a promise. A promise that no matter where life and destiny take me I will eventually come home. And in my homecoming, I hope to be able to help poor kids have a great day to remember. I’m a big idealist, but I can also be a realist. When I say help kids have a great day, I mean something like organizing a day of party for street children, visit orphanages and give out toys, have a scholar or two…but the biggest help I can do for them, is to let them know that someone is thinking about them and dreaming that one day, she can make a change for them.

This is me… feeling for Angels with Dirty Faces.

Blankong Papel (Blank Paper)

Sa matagal na panahong hindi ko paghawak ng ballpen at hanna deka,

nalimutan ko na din ata ang majika ng pagsulat.
Nakalulungkot matunghayan ang aking sarili na sa tuwing mahaharap sa kapirasong papel ay BLANGKO!
Gumagana pa din naman ang aking isip.

Ngunit may nawawala.

Naglaho na nga ba ang kakayahan kong ilipat, buhayin at pagyamanin sa papel ang ideya, opinion at mga damdaming naglalaro sa aking isipan? Bakit hindi ko na magawang gamitin ang kagandahan ng mga parirala upang ipinta ang aking saloobin?
Marami pa akong nais sabihin…ngunit bakit hindi ko na magawa?

A Box of Memories And Strength

In times of confusion… When solitude becomes unbearable, I need to define my boundaries and decide which relationships I really do want to commit to and which I would rather let go of.
Someone told me “You cannot be all things to all people, so decide who you have time for and are willing to make space for as well”

In such times, I turn to one memento that is the sole reminder of who I used to be….

Here’s the story….

I have a box for a death paper that I wrote a couple of years back for my Philosophy class. In it are pieces of paper that might look like crap; from candy wrappers, post its, gift cards, table napkins to pretty stationeries and so on.. These pieces of paper are notes from my girlfriends in college. Just simple ones that never cease to remind me of how happy life were when I was still a college student. Whenever I open this unique box, I feel blessed for having special ladies around me who appreciate, trust and believe in me. Their letters remind me of who I used to be back then.

Looking at myself now, I feel slightly embarrassed of what I see. I couldn’t seem to connect my past self to my present self. Have I become too jaded? Or is this because I do not have friends who constantly let me know through their little notes how much they appreciate me? That’s not it! I have good friends. God, I feel so blessed to have found such endearing friends in the corporate world. I appreciate them all very much.

So what’s the deal then?

I feel like this because I’ve chosen to let go of who I were to quickly adapt to the ever-changing environment which I am now a part of. I see with blinding clarity that letting go was one of my many mistakes in life. My past, present and near future will always be intertwined that I couldn’t just shove aside any of them especially the wonderful moments and mementos that have made me strong and helped me determine my strengths and weaknesses.
Those simple letters from friends, memories and my beliefs led me to this confounding yet liberating truth….

I am a strong person. A girl whose heart is open to everyone, willing to give, help and be selfless for others but would not allow others in her heart. A cold metal fence encloses a heart that has been hurt by events and consequences in the past, unwilling to subject itself to the pain and cruelty of those who simply doesn’t care. Embraced by a loneliness that could not be broken by anyone..

Friends….my beautiful college friends managed and still manages to crawl bit by bit into my heart. Piece by piece, they’ve returned my faith to mankind. Even now that I’ve fallen in a puddle where everyone works and works and works and where profession determines one's value as a person. Now that I’ve reached a point wherein happiness, contentment and peace are equated with spending your own dinero, doing a fantabulous job at work, exercising your competitive nature in the business, getting the respect of your colleagues and basically not having time to spend with your old college friends who have helped you find your best self, My college friends and czarina remain my anchor to sanity in an abysmally treacherous ocean we often refer to as corporate life.

Yes, with these special people I found my best self. No pretensions, no malice, just pure unadulterated concern for other people and belief in them. I may have honed my confidence, communication skills..etc. at work. My exposure to different kinds of individuality was truly a learning experience yet it stripped me of my best self. I learned the hard way that not all people live by the golden rule of complementary respect and generosity. Being nice won’t make others nice to you. Being understanding won’t make your colleagues loyal to you. There will always be someone who wants to hold the world in his hand, that same person will truly challenge you to forget your best self and adapt to the hard cold truth that life isn’t always bright and colourful. If you can’t keep up, you’ll be left behind. In spite of the scorching hypocrisy around me, I am confident that I will find my way back with the help of my death box.

Opening the box again….

All lost and confused, I need help from those who knew me best. Who knows? I may have to be firm on defining the people that I would like to commit to. I don’t throw away friends; I may just have to define the boundaries of our friendship. I need a strong backbone and courage of conviction to be able to do that.
These next few days, I may need to review my feelings and put my foot down on a couple of things. Surely, I may offend someone. I’d rather be that person, but there are things that need to be done. Hmmm….vague pa din ako..but im feeling the magic return.

Out With The Old...

New year
New home
New life
New career
New friends
Old friends…New relationships
New inspiration
New challenges
New adventures
New roles
New beginning
Old school…new measures
These are just some of the things I’m looking forward to this 2008 :P

The Life Inside My Shell

Life inside my shell has always been melodramatic..
A sheltered princess who grew up to be a warrior..
The youngest that fought for the eldest
Spoiled but never a brat
Voice of the oppressed
Strength of the weak
Enemy of the unjust
The misunderstood girl.
The one who aspires gender equality
Woman leader of tomorrow..
Small words, balanced action
Advocate of freedom of speech
Dreamer…
Believer…
Loved but unloved..
The one who bleeds inside.
Gone are the days of ribbons and ruffles
Of ponies and rainbows
Purveyor of courage and conviction
Simplicity is an inspiration
I live not only for myself,
But for those who believe…in love..
In the complexities of life..
And in the power of breaking out of one's shell.

The Remedy

In my incessant search for solitude, I slowly discover the strength and light to confront the path I am destined to take. I’ve started the search a long long time ago but never really took it seriously. Naively, I am contented with what’s presently around that I lost my sense of adventure and risk-taking. Somehow I feel that I lost my flair for independence and good clean (slightly reckless) fun. In a way, I have become a conformist.Now, I’m being hounded by a question. . a question that I am valiantly trying to avoid because I know that it will lead me to making drastic changes. Changes which I am not sure will be openly accepted and respected by others. My superego is asking me this: “Are you happy where you are right now?” I don’t know yet but I am determined to find out. I am hoping to find answers to my composure-wrecking questions. I am decided to find truth and genuineness in things and what better way to do that than to revisit my priorities and personal goals.

In A Coma

Coma…

One word…too many descriptions in various disciplines.

In astronomy, a coma is a diffuse, luminous cloud of dust and gas that develops around a comet's nucleus as it nears the sun.

In medicine, it is a state of deep, often prolonged unconsciousness, usually the result of injury, disease, or poison, in which an individual is incapable of sensing or responding to external stimuli and internal needs.

In liberal arts, it was once a Polish rock band and a 1978 mystery film based on the novel of the same name by Robin Cook..

As I said, one simple word…too much definition…

On my part, I would describe a state of coma as somewhat more complicated than all the definitions above combined. It varies from one’s personal experience to another. There you go, that’s what makes it complicated.. Personal experiences.

Now, how do I describe my coma experience?

Envision yourself in a roomful of people, wait..not just people..but people who matters. You’re having those usual let’s get-together and catch up with each other’s lives kind of thing. Everyone’s so bubbly and energetic, then suddenly, you feel like you’ve been hit pointblank by nil. Yup..zero.. You’re physically there but you can’t seem to feel your own presence. You stare into space, that little black space between your ego and superego, and you become catatonic for a while. Being in the middle of things and just watching them fly by. I mean it literally, you have eyes to witness the things going on around you but you don’t really care. Out of the blue, you’ve stopped caring. Nothing you hear or see could snap you back to the surface of the happy crowd.

That’s coma.. An undeniable numbness of one’s being.

Coma is just one animosity in life…there are so many that we either choose to ignore (and simply go on with our monotonous lives) or we choose to step back, examine ourselves, acknowledge the coma and embrace whatever’ s instigating it. Confronting comas may not be a delightful happening in our lives, but it’s one that we are sure to benefit from.

How about you? What’s your coma experience?

Silver Lining

A moment too long
Stuck in the deepest, darkest corner of being
Alone…
Lifeless..
Numb..
Then came you
Bitter endings and lies fade away
No more hiding..
No more fears..
Only you..
And the promise of a new beginning.

Kiss Me?!?

For girls: “Have you ever thought of or tried to ask someone to kiss you?”

Were there times when you get caught in a trance, you don’t know what’s gotten into you, and you’d just wish that the stupid person in front of you break all rules and kiss you.. right there and then?

Some have said that stolen kisses are sweetest. Hmm.. I wonder, if it were a girl who stole the kiss, come morning, or even a few moments after the unsolicited move, when she realizes what she’s done and gets embarrassed about it, would it still be sweet? Would the moment still be magical as others describe it?

My girls and I have been talking about how lucky guys are.. they get to choose who they want to pursue.. and I think the matter of kissing depends on them too.. they get to initiate such things after all. Girls can’t do that. While it’s basically accepted nowadays that gen x & y ladies are more assertive and empowered than previous generations, so you’d think they can sashay around and ask the lucky guy for a kiss, in reality, especially in conservative countries where such brazenness is frowned upon, the idea of asking a guy for a kiss is despicable…or is it really?

I ask coz I know a handful of ladies who’ve thought of doing so, and another handful who actually did..ehem..including myself. I’m one of the former though, just for the record.. All sort of what ifs come to mind when you think of asking a guy to kiss you.; what if he says no? what if he thinks you’re easy? What if he laughs at you? And another thousand more questions……. Mind-boggling isn’t it? Oh, but there’s more! Given that you’re really the “go for the gold!” type of girl and you go out there and get that kiss…do you think the guy would freak out? Haha! I would love to see that.

But the real question is..how do you really ask someone for a kiss?

A World Without Chocolates

Chocolates..Chocolates.. Can you imagine a world without it?

For a girl who’s lived most of her life with what seemed like an endless supply of chocolates, she definitely cannot. A week or two without the stuff is no doubt a torture. Yap! That’s how I felt when my doctor diagnosed me to have an acute gastritis and acute gastrointestinal whatever. One by one, she listed the “NO-NO!” fares for me. Thus, fatty foods, sodas, milk, yadda..yadda..yadda… chocolates……WHAT???!!!!!!!! Yup, I heard it right. No chocolates for a while, at least until we’re sure that I don’t have a gaping hole in my stomach.

I said to myself: I can do it! Better to have a 0%-chocolate in the body than have a slimy tube down my throat.

Guess what.. not a week later, I’m looking for any excuse to get my hands on the sinful stuff. Chocolate drinks?..chocolate flavored chips?.. Candies?..Flat tops? Anything! But the world seemed to conspire against me.. my friends won’t let me near the stuff, all the chocolates in my house found a good hiding place.. and I’m left with my pitiful craving.

What an empty world without chocolates. Truly a tragedy. But hey! Just three more days and my woeful state is over…Yahoo!!! I can go binge, ok, maybe not binge..indulge is a more diplomatic term.. I can go indulge on chocolates again. Can’t wait!!

On Relationships

Random Thoughts…

There used to be only black and white..

now, there’s pink, green and yellow.

There used to be only me, myself, and I…

now there’s you, me, us, and them.
Too much color.. too much us.. too little time.
Too much sugar..Too much honey..

Leave a bitter taste in my mouth..
People say stop!.. want to..but cannot....for to stop caring means turning red to gray.

Dull..Dead..
Why does it have to be like this?

Is it because I love them more than they love me?

Maybe..Maybe not..

“The majority of today’s relationship problems are one-way problems – one person loving, caring, or giving more in the relationships than the other person.” – Alfred Ells

Foolish

Put on a happy face and no one would see how much you’re hurting. Go ahead; flash that winsome smile and no one would dare question the blandness in your eyes. Pretend that everything’s ok, that all things are brilliant. Make it seem that everything’s perfect, going well according to plan. I know it won’t make you feel better. It won’t make the pain disappear, least of all, it won’t make you heal. But, it definitely has its ups. By putting on a happy face, you need not face probing questions. You need not explain why you’re feeling such. Most of all, you need not hurt anyone, especially not those you’ve come to love.

Found The Perfect Place To Be With You

At times when I’m riding the fickle waves of emotions, there is one person that I always wish to share the experience with, may it be a torrent of happiness, melancholy, or simply indifference, my aikane remains top of mind. 

To my one and only aikane….

Our relationship has evolved into something indivisible by neither absence, time nor distance. For over 8 years, we’ve struggled to find our individual selves.. wanting to find our worth in the world, and in the lives of the people we meet. You’re there while I’m here, but it will never alter the fact that we will always be aikanes no matter what. It won’t keep us from planning a day or two together.. seeking serenity and comfort.

A month ago, I told you that I’d rather spend by birthday with you.. I wanted to go to a place where we can just sit, watch the sunset and reminisce those times when we’re together. You felt the same way…Guess what?! I found it.. A perfect place where we can be ourselves.. Go back to that moment when nothing matters but the friendship that we’ve built and nurtured. When you come home, I promise to take you there…just the two of us…no more, no less…

On loving you…You are one of the most influential in my life. You are one of my idols. I idolize your strength and determination to show the world that one can arise victorious from any ordeal given that you set your heart to the task of winning. I love you for many many things, but mostly because you were never afraid of showing me the real you…scars, flaws and all… you never gave up on me… I will love you for the rest of my life..

To Fall In Love With The Stars

How often do I look up at the midnight sky to hold my beloved? Seldom…almost never. I admit to not having the luxury of gazing at the stars…but never will I deny my deep attraction for them.

It is during those brief moments, those fetching encounters, that I discover my inner peace and satisfaction. It’s ironic that I speak of contentment and tranquillity when there’s another unbridled emotion that courses through me when I look at the stars…. Everything stops… All else remain a fraction of reality. The here and now do not exist, what’s left is the yearning to transcend. Extend my arms to that wide expanse of dreams, possibilities and freedom. A craving that will never die down unless I get closer to my love and touch them.

There is hope, I know there is, but only if I find the courage and conviction to abscond from the vicious cycle that is consistently, over time, slowing and sucking down the emotions that are the very life of me. One day, someday, the time will come when I will eventually reach up, fly high and revere in the thought that I am finally free.

Liberty is what everyone wants.. well, almost everyone. It is the emancipation from worldly things and nonsense virtuosity that are forever sought after but were never really attained. Will I ever conquer such powerful adversaries? I can try; after all, when I look at the stars and go to that moment of clarity, I realize that all I ever could want is simplicity and freedom from damnable expressions and prejudice.

A Filipino Composition

“There’s a big, dark cloud hovering above my head. What should I do…. Should I open my ultra-pink, windproof umbrella and don a trench coat to protect me from a nasty downpour…or…should I just embrace every raindrop and let it wash away all my false expectations appearing real?” - tanong, tanong, at marami pang katanungan. 

Alin ang mas depressing….ang naiiwan o ang mang-iwan? Sa aking palagay at sa aking karanasan, di hamak na mas masakit ang maiwan. Oo, kung palagi naman itong nangyayari, nagagawa nga ng isang tao na masanay at magpatuloy sa araw-araw na gawain, isinasantabi ang kalungkutan at pangungulila na natutunan ng indahin. Isang dahilan kung bakit madali itong nagagawa ay ang pagasang dadating din ang panahon na ang kapayapaan ng loob ay manunumbalik kasabay ng iyong minamahal. Ngunit, paano na kung alam mong sa muli niyang pagbabalik, ikaw naman ang lilisan?…. Hindi ba napakasaklap? Sa dalawampu’t dalawang taon na paulit ulit na pamamaalam, alam kong ang isang ito ay lubos na naiiba sa mga nakaraang taon. Alam ko na ngayon ang simula ng malaking pagbabago. At ang pagbabagong ito ang nagparalisa sa akin sa mga nagdaang araw. Dahil sa labis na kalungkutan, na hindi ko naman mapahintulutang ipakita sa iba, nagmatigas ako. Pinaniwala ko ang sarili ko na makakayanan kong hindi siya makita sa kanyang pagalis. Pinilit kong ipakita na mas pipiliin kong magtrabaho na lamang kesa ihatid siya. Ngunit, bigo ako… hindi ko pala kaya. Naguumigting sa aking kaisipan ang katotohanan na ipikit ko man ang mga mata ko habambuhay at magpanggap na hindi ako apektado, na nananatili akong matatag sa bingit ng pagdurusa, Niloloko ko lang ang sarili ko. At sa pagpupumilit kong isantabi ang nararamdamang kalungkutan, mas lalo itong kumakapit sa aking pagkatao. Ano ba ang dapat kong gawin? Ano ba ang katotohanan? Ang katotohanan….. Babalik at babalik siya ngunit sa kanyang pagbabalik hindi na ako mananatiling naghihintay na lamang. Hindi na ako isang batang nagagalak at nasasabik na naghihintay sa mga paparating. Sa kanyang pagbabalik, siguradong nagsisimula na din ako sa panibagong kabanata ng aking buhay sa ibayong dagat. Ang totoo, isa na rin ako sa mga nang-iwan. Kahit gaano pa man kasandali ito, hindi ko mapapawi ang kalungkutan na akin naming maipadadama sa aking maiiwan at kasabay nito ang mas malalim pang pagdurusa sapagkat tanggap ko nang matagal na panahon pa bago kame magkasama sama muli. Paano na? Ang mga kaisipang ito ay nagmula sa mga katanungan….. Nais ko rin itong wakasan ng isa pang katanungan….. Kakayanin ko ba?

The Simple Life

It’s just 3 months since my last visit to Isabela and I’m back on the trail up my father’s hometown. There are three things which never fail to make me pack my “bayong” pronto, hop in the backseat of my parents’ car, endure 8-10 hours drive and risk indigestion from eating jollibee and chowking every pit stop.

First….I super love the food! There’s nothing exquisite in the dishes except that my aunt has a way of transforming ordinary ingredients to extraordinary meals. I’ve been on a diet for weeks now coz when you’re being a bum, there’s really nothing to do but whip up some recipes and do the sampling all by yourself. I’ve done my share of boxing and working the treadmill to drop unnecessary pounds but Goodness! All efforts turned out to be rubbish coz I wasn’t able to say NO and walk gracefully away from those heavenly meals. I don’t regret it though, I had a great time and I simply adore my aunt’s cooking. 

Second…. I love the people! Wherever I go, smiles and cheerful comments are generously given. There are so many I couldn’t remember and others I haven’t met but they all have stories to share; stories about our previous visits (when my sister and I were still very little), things about my father, his family…etc. I can’t help but blush, be embarrassed and be humbled when folks tell me that I grew up to be a pretty lady. Adoring looks, genuine interest in what I do, and desire to introduce themselves are some of the things to expect when we make courtesy calls. A couple even said that I look like a tv personality (awww, must be the hair :p ). People accept you with open arms and shower you with invitations for lunch and dinner. To top it all, we left town loaded with freebies…veggies, orchids, chicken (both alive and slaughtered), farewells and blessings. I simply love and treasure their hospitality. And of course, I respect that ilocanos are very hard working as well. 

Third…. I love the simplicity of life. I love visiting Isabela because it’s a place where I can always get down & dirty (in a wholesome kind of way, hehe) and be closer to nature. During our first day, my father said he’d make me plant coconut trees along the edge of his property (when we were younger, he made me and my sister plant corn! “Won’t go swimming if you don’t learn to plant” – his words back then . Off we go and ants attacked me. None of those mattered the next day though coz I was busy splashing away in the resort.) 

Anyways, my mom and I took the 2kms trek along the stretch of cornfield and found that the deed is done. Lucky me! There’re cowpoop all over the place but I didn’t mind. I was too busy reveling in the perfection of greens to notice. After meals, I always make sure to do the dishes. I so enjoy using the manual pump in a shed outside my lola’s house. Instant exercise ito! Where else would you manually pump water, just so you could take a bath, but in provinces? Electricity is not something new there but they don’t have streetlamps yet, so everything outside is pitch black. My lola’s abode is situated a couple of feet in front of The farm and when you go outside, you could feel the night breeze coming from the fields. It’s kind of relaxing and spooky at the same time. My imagination kept going on the scary scenes of “Night of the Living Dead” and “Jeepers Creepers”. I don’t know what it is about the province that folks go to bed early. We would go to bed as early as 8 or 9 pm during weekends and 10 or so (after Sa Piling Mo) on weekdays. Imagine how hard it is for a night creature like me, who usually sleeps at 2 to 4 am, to sleep. Actually, it’s not that hard. I just have to crack a little open my right eye and see nothing but pure darkness to encourage me to start counting sheep and wish for sleep to take pity on me. Come morning, I’d wake to the combined efforts of chicks and roosters’ crowing, must be 6 am. It’s been over a month since I got up that early. It’s really unusual for me but I do welcome the refreshing change. I remember tagging along my mom and aunt to the town’s wet market. I don’t really get it why my mom thought she should mention to my dad that I would be going in my tees and shorts. I mean I’ve been in that market before and I’ve seen people wearing the same thing. Good thing, my aunt, lola and dad said it’s just ok. The place is a bit small but it’s relatively clean and organized; meat in one wing, veggies in another and dry goods elsewhere. It’s really nice to shop there, plus I always liked the bibingkas that one particular lola sell there. Hay, What more can I say? I just know that I have a soft spot for a simple adventurous life..

Birthday Surprise... year 2006

When it happened…..June 27, 2006 

I know my illegitimate sisters have been cooking up something for me. They said so….haha! Funny coz they’re more excited about it than me. They can’t even wait to tell me that they have a surprise. I admit to liking surprises…i like giving them. The little things lang naman. But. I haven’t gotten much of it myself that I don’t know how to react. Honestly, I didn’t know what to feel when they told me about it. I’ve been conspiring to catch Tina off guard and reveal what they’re planning, but she’s as tight-lipped about it as a clam. Couldn’t extract any information! The day finally came, I remember donning my red low v-neck empire cut top from mint, paired with denims and black slip ons, wishing that the two aren’t up to some crazy out of this world racket, (but a blind date with a hottie was a welcome surprise..haha!)..Ttick tock, tick, tock – the clock strikes 5pm , (okay, Tina’s on her way already)… tick, tock, (5:35pm says emem’s digi clock) cling, cling….Huy! (Tina’s here!).. Pack-up Time!! Our adventure started the moment we passed the jolly jeep in front of Salon de Ken and they admitted that they’ll be taking me out on a date (well, it’s not how they said it, they said.. we’ll treat you to a movie and dinner, You won’t pay a centavo!, to me it’s pretty much like a date..hehehe). Flattered and embarrassed, that was what I felt. I thought it was really sweet of them, coz if I think about it, we didn’t really had a chance to go out on a movie together (well we have had dinner together while watching dvds at the dorm, I think it doesn’t count). I was embarrassed because I didn’t want them spending too much on me, I didn’t know how to tell them that and I just didn’t have the heart to do so because they were so excited. Haha! The funny thing is while on our way to greenbelt, we were snapping away some photos for the scrapbook they’re making for me (haha, guys I won’t pretend I don’t know it because nasabi nyo na din, I just hope the pictures turned out ok..haha!). Ces and I almost ran head straight in the middle of traffic just because we wanted a shot while crossing the street. That was when I started having fun and realized how much they’re getting out of their way to make me feel special and make me happy. It was an overwhelming realization. Off we go to watch Scary Movie 4, they bought me a popcorn; normally, I could finish a giant cheese flavored popcorn by myself before the movie ends, and as Alex witnessed what a sucker I am for popcorns he said matakaw ako..haha!, but, since they’re paying nahiya naman ako na magmadamot and cheerfully shared it with them. Though the movie was short and not as entertaining as the previous 3, I had good laughs too. After the movie, we went off to grab some dinner at Mann Hann, even asked Glecie’s advice on which to order (Chinese itesh)… We got Yang Chao, Chami and sweet & sour fish fillet. Can’t eat much coz we’re still full, thanks to the giant popcorn. While having dinner, I had so much fun chatting. Cess and I are in the same office but we rarely get a chance to chat since she came back coz I know how much work she’s been doing. Unfortunately, the place is closing already and the waiter volunteered on giving us the bill without us asking, so we guess it was time to go. It was bitin so we promised to have coffee some other time, definitely before I leave. Outside G4, it was time to go our separate ways.. Cess went off to where she can ride a Washington jeep while Tina and myself went the other way towards MRT.

I had a wonderful night. Thanks guys! Seeing a movie and having dinner might not be an out of the ordinary thing between friends but your purpose and effort in making it a lasting memory for three simple ladies like us is nowhere near extraordinary, it transcends exceptional and is simply historic for me. I may not be someone who deserves so much special attention or caring, but that night, I am so grateful for it. As I said, I am so used to making others feel special that I almost forgot how it felt. Thank you so much for letting me rediscover that heavenly feeling. I owe the two of you a lot. Sometime, somewhere, someday…we’ll meet again and I’m sure the bond we have (remember, you’re my illegitimate sisters) will always be there. One time, I’ll write a story of how the three of us met..haha! looking forward to it.

A Walk in the Garden..

It’s a bright new sun shiny day… I knew something was different..But didn’t discover it until I had my walk in the garden. The Garden…it’s not much…just a bit of space beside our house that my mom filled with her precious flowers, from her collection of a decade old orchids up to the most recent breed of euphorbia. She even got a simple collection of cacti, which, by the way, I think are cute. She’s been working on it for so many years that I think we have more plants in our lot than the whole block combined. For the past week, I’ve been doing the same routine over and over again; Would sleep around 2 or 3 in the morning, wake up at noon, eat, watch tv, stay in my room, soundtrip while reading, watch dvd, sleep, eat chocolates, make desserts, tease nessie, chat with gles and wenski, watch tv,…yada yada yada…..believe me, same old routine every single day. Today, it’s Sunday….for the first time this week, I woke up at 8 to attend mass at 9. Surprisingly, I enjoyed playing nanny to two of my cousins, would’ve been three if only God gave me an extra hand for my little cousin to hold. At home, I decided to give the car some pampering (We’re going to pick my dad up in Intramuros, so I wanted the car to be impeccably handsome). While I busied myself with the car, got an unexpected visit from a long lost family friend…I was diverted again by a bouncing year old baby boy…super cute and cuddly! Later in the afternoon, my mom and I went to Intramuros for two reasons; first is to pick my dad up. Second is to meet with gles and henry to give them something for the laptop’s repair. Thank you so much guys! Owe you bigtime! Coffee tayo minsan! It’s been a busy day for me that I just wanted to drop down on my bed and snooze the rest of the day. Unfortunately, I was so full of French fries, coke float, pansit and sopas that I decided to talk a walk in the garden. THIS IS IT!!!!! My walk in the garden is the first serene action I have had in months. It made me feel so light that I realized that this is what I’ve been missing this past year since I started working. This afternoon, I was able to examine every flower, bark and root I passed. I was able to enjoy the cool breeze of the late afternoon. I was able to sit with my most favorite dog in the whole world and by the way he affectionately pressed his head to my tummy, I could say that he missed me.. I felt guilty of course because the only communication I’ve had with him this past year was a Pat on the head and a reminder that he cannot go out. Haha, poor boy! To make things better, my dad came out with a cup of tea. Another thing I haven’t done in a while is to sit down with my dad and enjoy a steaming cup of tea, so I hurried inside and got myself some tea and went out to sit with him. I felt so light today that I just had to write it down.. I want to capture these memories while I still can. I want to have as much as my defective memory could carry so that when I go away, I have something to give me strength. Something that would remind me of my purpose in life.

Power Play

Some have been wondering.... "What happened?" This question is brought about by disappointment.... Curious about why everything turned out to be so different than last year...why people are less cooperative this year and, well...seem oblivious... I don't know about the others but I AM. I don't really care anymore, i dont want to coordinate things with anybody, i dont want to make plans for people who is comfortable giving orders while taking none for themselves to make this shit organized and smooth. This morning while in the shower, I studied myself.. i contemplated why i've let myself be a boneless slack in this event. I am disappointed in myself also for not stepping up to the challenge as I would normally have. Step up to it and give my all. Why? I asked..what happened to you? You know you're not like this..... Just this afternoon, a revelation came to me...it struck me so hard that i dont know if it cleared things off my mind or made it harder to bear. I now know why i was able to leave everything undone.. it's really very simple. I don't want to be efficient anymore. I realized that being efficient gave others an idea that they can rely on me...They can actually, but they did so to the point of exaggeration and pure dependency. Work became a reason to neglect the silent promise of responsibility and altruism. "I can't do it because I'm busy, lots to do"....damn! then what do you think i do at work? Play? Stare at my screen until my eyes turn stiff? When i wasn't able to decide what to do first, it was when i was attacked...viciously....unceremoniously....my spirit was broken. My flair for organization and efficiency was hampered by malice. I felt used and taken advantage of, and its something i could not tolerate. There are other abled bodies but the stake is pointed directly at my being. I am so tired............. I feel a battle brewing. One that i have no intention of fighting. I am not a coward, but nothing will be gained nor achieved when the winner has been determined by power alone. So much like an insect battling an eagle...all efforts will be futile. Sick of it all........... Is there a cure to a broken spirit? Tell me, i wanna know.

Listen to What I'm Not Saying

I'm a complicated, indescribable person through and through...
Do not be deceived by the glint in my eye, the quirk of my brow or the frown on my lips. There are lots that are being said even when i dont utter a thing... Is it a praise?...an opinion?....you will never know... Be sure though that thoughts are racing like madman in my head.... If you don't know me then do not pretend that you do. If you dont like me....too bad....don't ever come near me. Pretending is a sorry case....a sure loss... It may fool me for a while, but i will find out eventually When i do, i will not be as nice as i have been... I am nice... But do not be fooled, I can be cruel... I am soft-spoken...do not try me, coz you will feel animosity in my carefully chosen words. Words that will not only hurt, but will sting for a long time. I am charitable....but i dont give in easily. I am a social butterfly, but loneliness has found me....did it stay? maybe..... I do not like men I don't hate them. It simply takes more than a man to get my attention. It takes courage....guts....honesty.......persistence.....and humor.... Lots of it! I want to be heard, but i do not speak Want to be understood, but do not explain Then how the bloody hell will others know you??..... Simple.....You just have to listen to what i am not saying

Lost and Forgotten

From you.........

you may not understand this now but you will soon forget not the times we giggled together forget the times we fought will this be the end? a beginning i hope something new maybe something will change will it be you? will it be me? all i know is until here i'm waiting for thee ...the forgotten one.

From me............

When will i understand?, i will never know..maybe someday, oneday But this i vow, Never will i forget those times we giggled together or otherwise the times we fought and made up. It may be the end something i hope this time, we are done waiting Surely, it is a beginning.. of what exactly? nobody knows..................
.......you may feel forgotten, but you never are. you are here with me, at work, at home, ask everyone, they'll tell you how much i adore you.. .
......the lost one..loving the forgotten one....

Saying Goodbye

Saying "goodbye" too soon......

Every single day, I am looking forward to meeting you halfway. Whatever means we have to make what we have work out....chatting, texting, calls....everything is a give and take routine. I don't mind even if i still don't know my place in your life. I'm sure i've given you a hint or two about making the big gesture just so i'll know my place. Am i your friend? Your ka-MU perhaps? or just the girl you have strong feelings for but is not yet ready to have a commitment with?

Sometimes i wonder if you're thinking of my sensibilities or yours. Sometimes i think that you did believe me when i said that if you take away the pain, the anger, and all the disappointments you'll find that you still love her after all the hurt she's put you through. I feel that not just because that is how i am trained to look at things, at human behavior and processes... i know that because that is exactly what i'll tell myself if i were in your position. I know i have a special place in your heart...you always say that you're keeping an open mind and heart about "US".

When i asked if you think that what we have right now will eventually lead to something serious...you said you certainly hope so..but how long will i wait? should i wait?..you said a year perhaps....i said ten years...you said that's too long...i said a year is longer... Let me tell you why i said so.. I believe that ten years seems sooner than a year because technically it's too long that you won't count every grueling days of the whole time. You won't wake up every morning wishing that the year is over...you won't waste your time waiting for every holiday to come because you know that when the valentines day, all saints day and christmas are over it will be another year. Ten years is much more acceptable for me because eventually i'll find a way to divert my attention to more productive things..within a month or two of that ten years, i would have accomplished more than what i can in a year's waiting period... then i'll wake up one day and realize that hey! it's the tenth year! This is the day!

You've been very consistent.. very consistent indeed.... But tonight... i was hurt. I told you my plans of leaving. Honestly, i dont know how i'll tell you. Especially when you're taking your sweet time in our semi-pseudo relationship. You told me to just be myself..so i spat it out...i said i might go somewhere to study. I'm sure i'll touch a sensitive spot because im going somewhere that is the core reason of your breakup...the place where the person you loved, probably still love, is. And i have the audacity to tell you this when i know it'll affect you.. i know it's not me.. im thinking that you might see this as adding insult to your injury but i dont mean that. I just want you to know. I dont want to hide it from you. I was hurt because, honestly, i am hoping you'll say something like....i'll wait...we'll make it work...nothing will change between us..we'll be stronger. None of that came out. You just said go for it, you may find better opportunities there, in life you have to make decisions that entails certain sacrifices.

I'm hurt because i don't really know what you think of my going away...you don't even hinted if this thing that we have will continue..if you have plans of making it work or what..just forget about about me. I sensed in your one-liners that you're affected, not because im going but because it makes you think of her...call me paranoid but i have a great intuition. Then you just said, i need to try to get some rest....not very like you. Im hurt! i dont see my value..... Will this coldness be the deciding factor in this fairytale story? i'll give you a day or two to tell me that you'll pray for me...for my success..but you can't wait or you think that it will no longer work or that my decision is somewhat similar to HER decision and I'm just like her. I know you're too sensible to say these things . no matter how hard you try to hide it, i'll feel it....surely i will, and i know i'll hurt...

i just want to make you happy. I know i can, how can i assure you that being there won't change a thing.we'll still be far from each other. you can think that im still here. Maybe for the first month i wont have any access to a phone or a computer, but i'll find a way. we'll find a way. I believe in you but now, im not so confident that you're willing to take another risk. Does this mean i'll be saying goodbye again? sooner than i'd ever imagine? sooner even if i don't want to? You said, you'll stay unless i tell you to go away....Does this still stand? I want to tell you all these things, i was hoping tonight, but you left earlier than i predicted. you didnt want to hear anymore, as my explanation to your sudden need to get a rest,... Im just saying it here because i know i wont dare try to mention it to you again. I've been open to you ever since...this time, im making you open up first.

If you really want to make this work..we'll work on it together, but if you'll make me feel that there's something wrong between us na...i wont hesitate to tell you to stay away. I do not want to pressure you to go into another relationship after your recent breakup.... but don't make me wait if you're not willing to do the same. Wherever i am, it will not change what i want, i know what i want.... i hope you do too.. you regretted letting me go once..i wonder if you'll volunteer to let go this time......please don't keep me in suspense long. right now, im very much open to what you might say.