Pondering....

• anywhere is perfect as long as you're with the right person
• Why go in circles if you can walk a straight line?
• Day by day, life becomes a bland whirlwind of routine and tasteless affections.
• Even if it was just a dream, I was happy to see you.
• Smart people are good source of knowledge, but listening at length to one can render you witless.
• Nothing uplifts my mood than seeing an old man eating ice cream early in the morning.
• When you're near perfection, suddenly you become the epitome of imperfection.
• Do not sit or stand too close, people need space to think.
• Some people, no matter how put together their wardrobe is, just looks dirty.

Forgotten

Do you know how much it destroys one's composure when your own parent forgets that she has borne two kids instead of one?

It shatters one's being...

Changes

The gap between the borders of “want to” and “have to” is so damn huge that you cannot be anything else but stuck. In the middle of a miserable crossroad, you start asking yourself; “where do i go now?”. It has been said to let go of what kills you and focus on what keeps you breathing. How is that possible if the one thing that destroys is, likewise, the main source of life?

No Need For Panacea

“Behind the mask is just a shattered little girl who's lost faith in herself…and in everything else around her.”

When you’ve finished a roll of tissue plus a pack of Kleenex, breathes through your mouth since your nose is all clogged up and curse out loud because your eyes are starting to sting, you just can’t help but plead with the perpetrator:

Me: Tears, please stop!

Tears: I don’t know how… 

My random thoughts:

1)      It sucks not to be able to write what you really want because people know you too damn differently from who you are…and it’s bothersome to deal with infertile curiosity.

2)      It’s amazing how quickly dreams can die

3)      When I’m not working, I sleep a lot… not because of laziness but because, it’s the only time I don’t feel

4)      I do not know how to express that being with someone so dangerous was the last time that I felt safe

5)      If I cared to make a phone call right now (2:30AM)… it would be to say “I’m so sorry for everything”

6)      It takes a special person to realize that everything about that "beautiful" smile is just a cover-up for all the hurt and lies.

7)      Why do you have to be so far and unfeeling when I need you here with me?

8)      I’m tired… I miss my girls and boys so much à you know who you are

Good morning, Panda!

A set or two of heavy drapes is a luxury I enjoy, now that I only get to sleep when the sun starts to rise...Not everyday though. Because, there are days when my mom would unceremoniously barge in my room, flip the drapes aside, and pronounce...good morning!... Today is one of those days :)

Indeed it's a good day. I only had 3 hours of sleep and woke up looking like a haggard panda, but it's nice to go down and see your favorite nephew, sister and brother-in-law splashing away in the family sized rubber  pool and squirting water (from his water gun) all over the garden. It's also nice to eat home-cooked Pochero for lunch.

My day started right and I have a feeling that it's gonna be a good day! Yey!

Eternidad

I just finished reading Evermore (Eternidad), the first book in the Immortal series, by Alyson Noel.

The book is nice. It's a contemporary fantasy that dabbled on alchemy and clairvoyance. Interesting...not that original because all the time I was reading, I thought of books like The Alchemy and Twilight. The storyline was also a bit fuzzy but I like that it was fast-paced. The characters are very interesting too. Kudos to Alyson Noel!

My next book -- well, I haven't finished reading Melissa Bank's The Girl's Guide to Hunting and Fishing and Paulo Coehlo's The Winner Stands Alone. Hmmm... which to read first?? Guess I'll go with the former. Also, I can't wait to get my hands on Hush Hush by Becca Fitzpatrick. It's so hard to come by at bookstores... always sold out.

피곤하다

It's 5AM and I just got home from work... too much work...

answer emails...check quizzes...update records...send emails...proofread the Performance Coaching quiz...counsel colleague who's dealing with an irate client...lunch at 11PM...brief meeting with the team...prepare for this weekend's Team building...prepare activities for tomorrow's session...and the list go on...

I'm working too hard. These past days, I've been doing 2-3 hours OT a day. It makes me wonder why I work so hard... well, i do like my work and yes, I am a stickler for quality. I guess this pretty much explains the extended hours in the office. I'm just a bit stressed this week because I've been going like this for a month and instead of resting this weekend, my team needs to facilitate a team building for a hundred and eighty two people. Cool right? I'm wasted but, am looking forward to seeing teams get dirty and gooey in the Amazing Race activity :) That would make my day and the ecstasy would probably keep me smiling until next week. 

Going back to being tired... It's times like this that I really really appreciate the comfort and solace in my room. I'm too tired to soak in the tub and I might fall asleep, so I'll just crawl into bed after a quick wash.

It's a new day and I'll be seeing my babies later. It's the 9th day of the Leadership program...I hope they're learning to be good and effective supporting managers to their respective teams.

February 1

Girl 1: How can one's happiness make me sad?
Girl 2: If one's source of happiness is your source of happiness too...

So true...

When will this irrational heartbreak stop?
When will you learn to let go of something that was never yours to keep?
Why can't you forget someone who was only there in a heartbeat?

BIG World...

Whenever I read an interesting book, I get cut off from the outside world. Doesn't matter whether I read in my room, living room, dining table - no one or nothing can ever drag me from the house or the book.

I started reading Stephanie Meyer's Breaking Dawn yesterday around 9AM. I haven't finished reading Twilight nor my copy of New Moon and even Eclipse, so why read the last book?... just because I want to =) ... Anyway, I started reading the book yesterday morning and finished this afternoon before sunset. I spent a great deal of time in my room yesterday then I got bored and worried that my family would think I'm sleeping the day away...again... went down, read in the dining table... then moved to the living room, read while watching 13 Ghosts, and when I believed I've convinced them of my presence in the house, I went back up to my room.

This afternoon... I read with my drapes up. My eyes are quite sensitive and I don't want it to hurt because of light-deprivation. When I finished reading, it was about time to shut the drapes.. I started with the window closest to my bed...outside, I saw a mother and her child walking and happily swaying their clasped hands. I couldn't help but think... It's a BIG WORLD out there...Then I moved to the adjacent window and saw a group of youngsters by the store in front of my house and thought... and there's a BIGGER WORLD outside the big world...

Conclusion.. I want to see and be in the Bigger World outside the Big World... wherever that is

North Avenue MRT Station

I worked the graveyard shift last night because I had to finish my Process Design and deck for my learning session before going to work. My shift ended around 4am but I didn't want to go home at such an ungodly hour so I decided to extend two more hours. I was actually excited to leave the office the see the breaking of dawn..

The air was chilly.. Luckily, I brought my shawl. The walk from ADB Avenue to the MRT Station was an exercise, something I haven't done in a long time. The 100 or so steps up the station proved challenging in my 2 and a half inch pumps. I bet my two cents that my legs are gonna hurt like hell after I sleep...

I don't usually take the MRT nowadays because there are more convenient  modes of transportation available to me. And here's what I don't/won't miss during the morning rush in Manila's train stations...

Just Breathe...

Life is short.. I know that....

I just want to live it fully. But with so many expectations lashing from all directions... How can I? I shouldn't be crying coz  I have a learning session later and tons of drop deadlines on my heels, but what can I do? I had to succumb...

This is how it began: I think I am where I want to be....Right?...Am I?... Is this really where I want to be?... I don't know anymore

The trip to my dad's hometown didn't help; You meet your relatives telling you it's time to marry...have kids because when you reach the age of 30 it will be hard to bear kids. Then you dread eating with your family because you know that sooner or later the conversation will turn to a not so subtle demand for you to marry a seaman. I'm getting so close to screaming..."Damn it! Come on! Bring it on... you want me to marry??! Fine! Let's do what you want, forget that this happens to be my life and I also want to live it" -- How to say that the very reason I choose to be solitary is you?

Am I being a brat? Am I being a blacksheep? why does it feel like I'm living in a society so different from that of my family's? Is this why I feel so alone and misunderstood?

All that I am. All that I want to be..is insignificant. How come it feels like a futile struggle to prove that I can be a self-made woman? I know I can do it.. When? I dont know..but I can do it. The people around me believe that I can do it, but the people who matters do not. Damn! Everything is useless. I can work my ass off but at the end of the day, it will all boil down to how much penny you have, whether you worked for it or your husband did. 

Add to that.. I'm slowly seeing the monsters in my current job, same old monsters in a new setting. It's not helping either. Why is the world so fucked up with people trying to downplay other people? Well, I get it..that's part of life... but i don't want it to be a part of mine.

My head feels like it's gonna blow up from confusion. The need to escape this emotional paralysis is choking. I want to run away. Where? Anywhere.. Can I? It's a sure demise but I need to try. Now, the only way to keep me from destroying myself is a power shutdown; emotionally, mentally, and socially. How will I get through my daily tasks... only God knows.

This is my life. A never ending twists and turns of struggle and complications.

Moment in Time by Cynthia Kepp

I was looking for a feel-good poem for a friend when I chanced upon this one... striking...


We talked,
We walked,
for a Moment in Time.

You passed through my life that day and left your mark.
You may never pass my way again,
Or you may stay for a lifetime.

No matter what,
I want to say thank you for the impression you made
that will stay with me for eternity.

I enjoyed the walk,
I enjoyed the talk.
I am blessed for that moment in time.

The first time I saw you I knew you would affect my life,
though your role I did not know.
I asked myself, "Why is he alone?
Why does he sit so quiet, all alone?
Is he sad?
Is he glad to be alone?
Is he alone?
Is he lonely? "
There is so much I want to know.

 
I asked myself, "Why him?
When so many people pass through my life each day,
why him? "

What attracts me to you?
What makes me want to know more?
I want to know.

Even if my questions are never answered,
There is one thing I want you to know.
I have been blessed by the effect you had on me in that
Moment in Time.

When A Friend Needs Me....

"If there's someone I know who can make her laugh... that's you"


It's 4:00 in the morning. I just got home.. I'm so tired and would like to hibernate the entire weekend. But I won't. Someone needs the biggest hug she can get from her friends and that's what I'll be doing later.
The 'quoted en toto' sentence above is actually a wake up call. A realization that no matter how fast my life goes and how crazy it gets, I still have a responsibility to my friends. Sometimes, a phone call or a text message, not even the understanding that you're always thinking and praying for them is never enough. One day, someday, you still need to get together and give comfort to those who need it. 

 

 (Bantayan, Cebu 2009)

I've been blessed with a lot of amazing friends... It's time to give back to them the unconditional support, understanding and loyalty they have given during my darkest hours..

    

No matter where we are, what we do, who we are with... we always manage to make the best of our time together. I love these girls so much because they bring out the best in me and they, oh so naturally, help me enjoy the simple indispensable things in life.

See you girls later.....

I like Men.....it's just that Mr. Right hasn't come along yet

"just because I'm single, it doesn't mean I'm gay...." - Peegee

I am not entirely sure how my day went "oh-so-crazy"...

First,  I'm a bloody panda for running errands for my mom and sister so early in the morning (for a night person, 9am is an ungodly hour). Second, I got the early bird award for coming in early for a lunch meeting..just to find out that it got postponed. Third, I stapled myself...pulled out a millimeter of staple-wire from my ring finger, almost cried because no one has a 'cute' band aid while I'm dripping blood everywhere. Now here's the cherry on the cake....

A co-worker just said he believes I'm a lesbian... and a close friend agrees with him... what the?!!

Do I, by any chance, look gay to you??

To clear things up.. I like men.. tall and strong (physically, mentally and emotionally) are my preferences. It's just that, I haven't met a guy that really really caught my attention.