Life is short.. I know that....
I just want to live it fully. But with so many expectations lashing from all directions... How can I? I shouldn't be crying coz I have a learning session later and tons of drop deadlines on my heels, but what can I do? I had to succumb...
This is how it began: I think I am where I want to be....Right?...Am I?... Is this really where I want to be?... I don't know anymore
The trip to my dad's hometown didn't help; You meet your relatives telling you it's time to marry...have kids because when you reach the age of 30 it will be hard to bear kids. Then you dread eating with your family because you know that sooner or later the conversation will turn to a not so subtle demand for you to marry a seaman. I'm getting so close to screaming..."Damn it! Come on! Bring it on... you want me to marry??! Fine! Let's do what you want, forget that this happens to be my life and I also want to live it" -- How to say that the very reason I choose to be solitary is you?
Am I being a brat? Am I being a blacksheep? why does it feel like I'm living in a society so different from that of my family's? Is this why I feel so alone and misunderstood?
All that I am. All that I want to be..is insignificant. How come it feels like a futile struggle to prove that I can be a self-made woman? I know I can do it.. When? I dont know..but I can do it. The people around me believe that I can do it, but the people who matters do not. Damn! Everything is useless. I can work my ass off but at the end of the day, it will all boil down to how much penny you have, whether you worked for it or your husband did.
Add to that.. I'm slowly seeing the monsters in my current job, same old monsters in a new setting. It's not helping either. Why is the world so fucked up with people trying to downplay other people? Well, I get it..that's part of life... but i don't want it to be a part of mine.
My head feels like it's gonna blow up from confusion. The need to escape this emotional paralysis is choking. I want to run away. Where? Anywhere.. Can I? It's a sure demise but I need to try. Now, the only way to keep me from destroying myself is a power shutdown; emotionally, mentally, and socially. How will I get through my daily tasks... only God knows.
This is my life. A never ending twists and turns of struggle and complications.
