Some have been wondering.... "What happened?" This question is brought about by disappointment.... Curious about why everything turned out to be so different than last year...why people are less cooperative this year and, well...seem oblivious... I don't know about the others but I AM. I don't really care anymore, i dont want to coordinate things with anybody, i dont want to make plans for people who is comfortable giving orders while taking none for themselves to make this shit organized and smooth. This morning while in the shower, I studied myself.. i contemplated why i've let myself be a boneless slack in this event. I am disappointed in myself also for not stepping up to the challenge as I would normally have. Step up to it and give my all. Why? I asked..what happened to you? You know you're not like this..... Just this afternoon, a revelation came to me...it struck me so hard that i dont know if it cleared things off my mind or made it harder to bear. I now know why i was able to leave everything undone.. it's really very simple. I don't want to be efficient anymore. I realized that being efficient gave others an idea that they can rely on me...They can actually, but they did so to the point of exaggeration and pure dependency. Work became a reason to neglect the silent promise of responsibility and altruism. "I can't do it because I'm busy, lots to do"....damn! then what do you think i do at work? Play? Stare at my screen until my eyes turn stiff? When i wasn't able to decide what to do first, it was when i was attacked...viciously....unceremoniously....my spirit was broken. My flair for organization and efficiency was hampered by malice. I felt used and taken advantage of, and its something i could not tolerate. There are other abled bodies but the stake is pointed directly at my being. I am so tired............. I feel a battle brewing. One that i have no intention of fighting. I am not a coward, but nothing will be gained nor achieved when the winner has been determined by power alone. So much like an insect battling an eagle...all efforts will be futile. Sick of it all........... Is there a cure to a broken spirit? Tell me, i wanna know.
