In times of confusion… When solitude becomes unbearable, I need to define my boundaries and decide which relationships I really do want to commit to and which I would rather let go of.
Someone told me “You cannot be all things to all people, so decide who you have time for and are willing to make space for as well”
In such times, I turn to one memento that is the sole reminder of who I used to be….
Here’s the story….
I have a box for a death paper that I wrote a couple of years back for my Philosophy class. In it are pieces of paper that might look like crap; from candy wrappers, post its, gift cards, table napkins to pretty stationeries and so on.. These pieces of paper are notes from my girlfriends in college. Just simple ones that never cease to remind me of how happy life were when I was still a college student. Whenever I open this unique box, I feel blessed for having special ladies around me who appreciate, trust and believe in me. Their letters remind me of who I used to be back then.
Looking at myself now, I feel slightly embarrassed of what I see. I couldn’t seem to connect my past self to my present self. Have I become too jaded? Or is this because I do not have friends who constantly let me know through their little notes how much they appreciate me? That’s not it! I have good friends. God, I feel so blessed to have found such endearing friends in the corporate world. I appreciate them all very much.
So what’s the deal then?
I feel like this because I’ve chosen to let go of who I were to quickly adapt to the ever-changing environment which I am now a part of. I see with blinding clarity that letting go was one of my many mistakes in life. My past, present and near future will always be intertwined that I couldn’t just shove aside any of them especially the wonderful moments and mementos that have made me strong and helped me determine my strengths and weaknesses.
Those simple letters from friends, memories and my beliefs led me to this confounding yet liberating truth….
I am a strong person. A girl whose heart is open to everyone, willing to give, help and be selfless for others but would not allow others in her heart. A cold metal fence encloses a heart that has been hurt by events and consequences in the past, unwilling to subject itself to the pain and cruelty of those who simply doesn’t care. Embraced by a loneliness that could not be broken by anyone..
Friends….my beautiful college friends managed and still manages to crawl bit by bit into my heart. Piece by piece, they’ve returned my faith to mankind. Even now that I’ve fallen in a puddle where everyone works and works and works and where profession determines one's value as a person. Now that I’ve reached a point wherein happiness, contentment and peace are equated with spending your own dinero, doing a fantabulous job at work, exercising your competitive nature in the business, getting the respect of your colleagues and basically not having time to spend with your old college friends who have helped you find your best self, My college friends and czarina remain my anchor to sanity in an abysmally treacherous ocean we often refer to as corporate life.
Yes, with these special people I found my best self. No pretensions, no malice, just pure unadulterated concern for other people and belief in them. I may have honed my confidence, communication skills..etc. at work. My exposure to different kinds of individuality was truly a learning experience yet it stripped me of my best self. I learned the hard way that not all people live by the golden rule of complementary respect and generosity. Being nice won’t make others nice to you. Being understanding won’t make your colleagues loyal to you. There will always be someone who wants to hold the world in his hand, that same person will truly challenge you to forget your best self and adapt to the hard cold truth that life isn’t always bright and colourful. If you can’t keep up, you’ll be left behind. In spite of the scorching hypocrisy around me, I am confident that I will find my way back with the help of my death box.
Opening the box again….
All lost and confused, I need help from those who knew me best. Who knows? I may have to be firm on defining the people that I would like to commit to. I don’t throw away friends; I may just have to define the boundaries of our friendship. I need a strong backbone and courage of conviction to be able to do that.
These next few days, I may need to review my feelings and put my foot down on a couple of things. Surely, I may offend someone. I’d rather be that person, but there are things that need to be done. Hmmm….vague pa din ako..but im feeling the magic return.
